Motherhood

My motherhood is bright & blissful

Tired and anxious

Broken and wishful.

Guilt ridden

As I erupt into rage,

My motherhood is freedom

And a thick dark cage.

I am hiding,

Inside my bed.

Depression grips me,

Filters into my head.

I love my children

But I don’t love myself,

Tuck these thoughts in

Place them back on the shelf.

Memories

Life after death

Reminded breath after breath.

Through the darkness and bleeding

To find the light and the meaning.

Survivor, of hurt, pain and rebirth,

A miracle without any worth.

Oblivious,

How could I have missed this,

Violent white spark

So close to my heart.

Find joy in the moment

Not in the meaning.

My memories tainted

Tilting and leaning.

Twisting themselves

Until the thought is lost,

To a feeling of sorrow

survival, comes at a cost.

Post Partum Depression and Navigating After Birth

Can we talk about this thing that happens to 15% of woman within the US…or for a clearer number, approximately 600,000 women worldwide annually…Post partum depression, or PDD, or what I identify as, the Darkness. 

It’s the shittiest thing our bodies can throw at us directly after what should be the most joyful time in our lives (per my personal perspective) but instead we get hit with this storm of guilt from who knows where, dread of the simplest things, fear of well pretty much everything, gloom and doom and all that, Why?! 

It is insulting that our brains dish this out to so many of us. It doesn’t help that motherhood is freaking hard enough without the added hormones losing their collective minds.

We have this baby housed inside of is for almost a year, it’s relatively safe in there, warm, we don’t have to fuss over keeping socks on little feet, how many layers is enough or too much, is that a bloated belly or is he just gaining baby weight (finally?) Is she pulling her ear because of an earache, is he eating enough, too much? Good god is that the color her poop is supposed to me?!

And now you have your own human, out in the world where it’s bright and scary and full of germs and creepers. Holy shit it is scary and so so cool to have your own human to be in charge of. Most of us can’t even keep ourselves fed properly let alone a whole other person!

Basically what I am getting at is it is absolutely OKAY to be stressed and scared and overwhelmed. It is normal to feel like you might not be able to do it. But guess what, you will, we all do, we do it and we get through it and our babies grow and we all have our ups and downs, but we are OKAY.

With PPD it might not feel that way, for a long time, sometimes for just a short while, but it certainly adds a few bumps in the already rocky road of having a human.

When I brought my son home, and then 4 years later our daughter, I remember wondering how in the world anyone was just going to let me have this thing. Who’s bright idea was it to allow this!?

Putting them in their carseats was terrifying, the first car ride home feels like every single person around you is a threat and needs driving lessons.

Then you get home. 😓 It’s too quite, there are no nurses for backup, you forgot how to swaddle.

And then the baby cries and you remember, some sort of instinct boots you and you feed that baby. You check her diaper, you change that butt, you zip him up in his little outfit you’ve had picked out for months and everything is OKAY.

Breathe.

Remember to breathe.

You will be covered in milk. Dripping and frazzled, smelly and confused for a few months and that is OKAY.

You will be tired and moody and sore, you will forget to brush your teeth occasionally, you might resort to dry shampoo more than you’d like to admit. You might sleep while nursing, continue eating for two, drink enough water to drown a fish, and that is OKAY.

Shit, it’s more than okay.

Allow yourself to feel. Give yourself permission to heal and take it slow. Be lazy when you need to, be ambitious only when you are really up to it.

Take care of yourself. Watch your shows, eat your snacks, paint your nails. Do what you need to to stay OKAY, even just borderline okay, even not really okay but you’re getting there.

You aren’t the first person to have a baby. You aren’t the first person that has felt alone or scared or overwhelmed. You are not alone.

It is a good idea to form a support net, of friends, family, a teacher, an online group, try not to isolate yourself even when it’s the most tempting to (unless space is what you need to adjust to the whole having a human thing).

If you are having thoughts of suicide or otherwise dark and violent thoughts, please know that it is common in New mother’s but should not be overlooked.

Having a human is hard sometimes, but totally worth it. Even soaked in milk and unshowered, these kiddos always do something amazing (like smile or bring me a bite of their snack) and it brings me back to that place where I remember that this is the best thing I’ve ever done.