Humble Brags & Parental Jealousy

So I witnessed something that intrigued me the other day while scrolling through one of the many “mom” groups I am a part of (I’m a glutton for punishment and gossip I don’t have be directly involved in 🤷‍♀️) and the discussion I witnessed has stuck with me the last few days. The post was something along the lines of “What humble brag posts annoy you the most?” Simple enough. Short, to the point. Confusing. We’ve all seen posts made by other parents that often lead to feelings of worry, jealousy and annoyance, but why?

When another mother posts “my 8 month old says 40 words” (not a thing that actually happens, trying to prove a point) or

“my 3 day old sleeps through the night, should I be worried?” Or

“My 2 year old knows all of the species of exotic birds in their native names”

ok, you get the idea… when we see these posts, a baseline reaction is confusion at how any child could possibly pull any of those things off. Then the comparisons start. Your precious angel hasn’t slept through the night maybe ever, your 5 year old is non verbal, your toddler doesn’t even know that birds are a thing that exist because he’s busy taking all the tires off of his toy trucks. Why doesn’t my kid do insert awesome rare desirable thing here ? Some parents move on after reading such humble brags, but some, more often ( judging from the comments on the post I was following) jealousy kicks in. Jealousy of another parents children is common and normal. Everyone wants the best for our kids and everyone expects a certain amount from our kids. We want them to walk and talk and share, we want them to have manners and be kind and only listen to mommy when she’s not saying bad words when she drops her lunch on the floor (yesterday was hard.) But when someone else’s child meets those goals first, or meets and exceeds them, while your own has perhaps settled on a particular skill and is lagging behind in others we can feel discouraged and frustrated.

It’s like parenting has morphed into some online competition of who’s baby does what faster and better and first. We realize these are babies right? Anyone? Babies! They are not Olympic competitor’s, they are not competing for the same job, they are not battling in the Hunger Games in a life or death race to say “Dada” first. Feeling salty that your sister in laws child is stronger than yours at this particular moment in time does nothing except taint your parenting experience and your relationship with other parents who might otherwise be of great help or support.

Another issue with this feeling of anger and inadequacy is that no one is addressing the elephant in the room, your child might be developmentally delayed, be on the spectrum or just be in a phase of physical growth which can often slow mental development temporarily while their little body grows. Relax. Each child will do what they need to in due time. Some will have a higher vocabulary, some will be able to head butt you so hard your nose breaks, some will have cool dance moves and a taste for colorful music, no matter what, they are growing and they will get there. Harboring this lingering angst is nothing but trouble.

Lastly, let them brag! Just because you are having a hard time with sleepless nights does not mean someone else should be silent about a major feat of having a full nights sleep with a child! Just because your toddler only wants to eat cereal (been there) does not mean someone shouldn’t share the exotic spicy/salty/veggie filled recipe their toddler loved! Let them be happy and enjoy their own experience! Find what you love about your own parental experience and relish in it, trust me, it’s much more fun.

My 4 Year Old is a Shitty Sleeper.

Why is it that eyes roll when a parent dares to vent to another that their child doesn’t sleep well? If little Jonny doesn’t fall asleep on his own in his own room at 6:30pm with a kiss and a farewell, and sleeps through the night for 14 hours without a bathroom break, he never wakes from a bad dream or for water. He doesn’t ever need reassurance from mom, the dark doesn’t bother him, I mean he’s 6 months old after all WHY WOULDN’T HE BE A PERFECT SLEEPER?! Why are the expectations so ridiculous? Other parents, if you have a perfect sleeper, good for you, I have 1 and do you know what I don’t do? Rub it in a new parents face, or a veteran parents face. If you have 6 children and none of them have slept through the night, do you know what that means? You have normal children!

We so often forget our own struggles when someone mentions their own, or we jump to the ever so helpful “advice” mode of sleep curealls that you’ve tried or your cousins sisters neice tried and it worked that one time.

Children are people. Read that slower. Children are people. Meaning just like you, your child might experience the occasional nightmare, they might have to pee at 3am, it might take them an hour of laying in bed, staring at the ceiling thinking about all of their faults and mistakes of the day before they can make their little brains shut off and sleep like you’ve been screaming at them to do since basically birth.

“Aw beautiful baby. Is she sleeping through the night?’

I don’t know Susan, are you? Do you consistently fall asleep immediately with minimal effort and not wake for anything ever? No? Oh, what a shame.

Others sometimes form the opinion that the parent of the sleepless child (I have one of those too) must be doing something wrong. I have to tell you, it isn’t something that is being done incorrectly. Big boy beds, cool new blankets, dream catchers, night lights, teddy bear shrines. You could do them all simultaneously and a shitty sleeper would (surprise!) Still have a hard time sleeping!

If a fellow parent confides in you that their child isn’t sleeping or has trouble falling asleep, pour them some fresh coffee and tell that sucks but it will get better. Because eventually the shitty sleeper will find their groove, or move out, whichever comes first.

There are good men

I’m always hearing about men, and their shortcomings, their blunders, their incapacity to do things woman can do like care for their own children. I hear about how bad at diaper changes they are, they never wake up at night with the baby, they don’t think about anything but themselves. Sports and cars occupy 90 percent of their brains and when they stay home with the kiddos they are letting then run rampant through the house with no regard for safety or the mess left behind. They never change the toilet paper, they need lists attached to the diaper bag that includes “don’t forget the baby” (an actual real thing you can buy, a manly diaper bag that notes not to forget the baby.)

Let me say this, men are not incompetent. They can be good fathers, good husband’s, attentive lovers, hard workers and they can do them interchangeably and when needed just like woman can. Their methods may be different, their itinerary of spending a day with the kids might look different than yours, their go to soothing techniques might vary, with their useless nipples and all, they have to do things differently to get baby to sleep. There are good men. Lots of them. Take a moment to think about the father’s and cousins, uncles and grandfathers in your life, the beat friend that acts in the place of a father, your boss who plays Santa every year for the office kids. There are men who faught in wars and came back mentally bruised and broken and still got their selves together enough to raise their children well. There are millions of step dad’s who took the place of a neglectful man and owned that position as a father 100%. They exist. I can prove it, I have one. I know many. They rock their babies to sleep, they know when to pour you a glass of wine. They tell dad jokes and handle things with a side of humor and gruff voiced disapline.

Don’t discredit them, don’t brush them aside as unable just because some of the men you know may have been unwilling to step up. When your significant other tries to do something like change his newborn babies diaper, don’t take over and roll your eyes, don’t overpower them because they might not be adjusting to parenthood as quickly as you’d hope. Help them, let them try, teach them, let them teach you. Have a little faith.

My 4 Year Old, the Cool Kid

My son questioned his school clothes for the first time today. He is 4.5 years old, halfway through preschool and has already been asked if his new shoes were Nikes, which they weren’t. As a mom with two small children Stride-rites are way cooler to me, good for posture and foot positioning and all that, he has a brand new pair but now he is moving towards that point in life when the world makes it seem like what you have isn’t enough, isn’t the “best” or “coolest”. Never enough.

Some little kids with fashionable parents have tainted my goofy little boys thought process. I should have seen it coming, I know, we have literally all been through the indoctrination of school cliques, unspoken expectations and often not so subtle questioning of wardrobe and brands.

I wore the same fleece 1/4 zip jacket for the entirety of 6th grade. Literally every single day, and I felt the silent wrath of judgement from my fellow classmates for it. I washed the thing, just to clear that up, and wore other shirts underneath, but still I felt the lingering gaze often. It wasn’t “brand name” it wasn’t “cool” but it was fucking warm ok, it was warm and comfortable, soft, neutral colored and I LIKED IT. Shit.

Kids can be cruel, I don’t want my son to experience that but I know I can’t shelter him from it. I can try to prepare him for it, give him confidence and build him up so he can’t be broken down so easily, but I really hope the other parents teach their children the same. How to accept those who aren’t dressed the same, who come from different income levels and who are ruled by different parenting styles. I am not the parent who buys Nikes, unless my little guy decides to join the basketball team, he won’t have basketball shoes that cost a small fortune. I won’t force him to wear anything he doesn’t like unless it’s picture day, I won’t ask him to change his fleece jacket if he wants to wear it every day. I will guide him through this as best I can. But today, today my 4 year old will wear his polar bear sweater, just one last time.

Social Silence and a Lonely Introvert

Loneliness is a strange thing. 

Some days, the silence of an empty house, void of guests or visiting family can be a blessing. A vacation from trying to be “on” and playing the hostess, keeping the coffee warm and the conversation flowing can be exhausting. There isn’t much that beats a lazy day in pajamas with no obligations, no need to spend mass amounts of time getting the kids ready to be in public, perfecting eyeliner lines, worrying about the traffic. 

Some days, Netflix is my best friend, and I sink into my comfy spot and absorb my coffee slowly, nestling into the day with not a worry in the world. My brain mellows without the ding of phone notifications,  vibrating texts and knocks on my door. I am at peace in my home, alone with my children and my routine. 

And then other days, other days the silence is dark. Mind you that when I say silence, I am not saying that my home is not a tornado of noise from my 4 year old and 6 month old, because it absolutely is. My version of silence in this case is social silence, the kind that can last for days or weeks. When the gravity of the realization that no one has called you other than your mother or spouse in a month, that, social silence, is damaging. 

Being an introvert puts this issue into the forefront on occasion. And the occasion is known as loneliness, but for many of us it is different than just a longing for interaction, it is mixed with anxiety and fear, endless questions and procrastination. We want to be noticed, acknowledged, chatted with just the same as anyone, but when we go into our introverted tendencies and block out the world for extended periods of time, the world moves on without us and then we need to catch up when we are finally ready to be a part of things. 

I came back from my introvert hole yesterday and stepped first into a pit of angst. Where is everyone? Why does no one visit me? Why isn’t anyone reading my posts? I bravely (for an anxious introvert) sent out two texts to two separate friends, and waited full of anxiety for them to answer. One did and I felt instantly calm and included, the other took longer and I was inclined to feel full of doubt and worry. I am unable to accept silence from others when I have only given them that for weeks or sometimes more. Is it fair? No. Do I know how to change my reactions? No.

I wish I could find a way to be more consistently involved in the world and it’s social happenings but each attempt leaves me drained and tired. And every time I try and fail at a day of being even an average level of sociable, it becomes easier to reach the bottom of that pit I fall into when leaving my comfort zone of my socially silent home. 

I am tired. And I am lonely. And I just want my friends to know I am here, and I want to connect but I don’t know how anymore. I’m not quite sure I will ever be social enough for people to bother with me. But I’m trying. 

Breast feeding part 1

This seems to be a topic that a lot of moms are curious about but don’t want to ask about, don’t know who to ask or are embarrassed to ask when they have the chance.

I have breastfed for a combined total of 3 years now between 2 children.  I have had mastitis 4 times, I have been bitten, swollen, engorged, I have leaked through shirts at dinner in public, tried to nurse with a cover and without, pumped and dumped and pumped and bottle fed, I have done it all.

And it’s not rare, it is not uncommon, to breastfeed, it is not old school to stick to nursing for any amount of time, it is not weird or sexual. In my experience, it is an event that ranges from beautiful to messy to painful in a blink and then back again.

Breastfeeding is beautiful, as you see your new baby root her head around with her little eyes still closed, feeling for her momma and for the comfort only you can bring her. 

It is beautiful as he latches for the first time, and terrifying and breathtaking. Will it work? Can you do this? Is everything Ok? You run your finger over his tiny cheek and curl your arms around his body and it is right in that moment. It is normal to feel any sort of thing that might resemble pure bliss, fear, sadness, joy, you just had a baby, your hormones might be a jumble and that’s Ok! 

It can be painful. Especially the first time, but the pain passes, it does, I promise.  But it can hurt or be uncomfortable while your body adjusts to this new thing it is being asked to do. Your body is making food, can we just take a moment to see how amazing that is!? After about 2 weeks, sometimes closer to 3, your body gets tougher and your skin gets more resilient to this new task. If you are still in pain after 4 weeks or it is excruciating to nurse even briefly, get your little one checked for a tongue tie, any pediatrition can look for one, or a quick look at the under side of babies tongue or upper lip/gum connection can show if there is on fact a tie. Having a tie can create issues with bottle feeding, latching properly onto a bottle or breast (and binky for that matter) and can create speech issues in the future. Ties are often not serious enough to need to be cut and often break on their own. (The pain of a tongue tie breaking has been compared to getting ones ears pierced)

Mastitis is the next leap. It happens often to new mum’s or mum’s who go back to work earlier on and it occurs when you become engorged after baby might have skipped a nursing session or you missed a pumping session, your supply increases to meet demand during a growth spurt and then that amount is no longer needed once the spurt is over. It can also happen when you leave to go back to work your routine is mixed up in doing so. Mastitis is easy to recognize in the beginning stages by unusual soreness, engorgment, a hard lumpy area where milk has been blocked in, dizziness, fever or pain when nursing. See your doctor if you feel anything is off, especially a lump. Luckily it is easy(ish) to fix early on by taking hot showers, hand compression, self expression of milk in small amounts to help alleviate swelling and engorgment, tylenol and nursing on that side as much as possible. 

Breastfeeding is hard, but so is school, marriage, learning to drive, things that can be hard are still worth trying to make work if it’s something you want and if it is something that is making you happy. 

It has it’s hard moments but they pass! And the times in between the rough moments are peaceful, gazing down at this creation of yours, happy and getting bigger by the day. The snuggles and the times when only you can comfort her, the funny sounds and faces she’ll make at you, reaching her hand up and trying to pull your nose off or gently rubbing your cheek. 

Those are the things that make it worth at least trying. I personally think it is very important to at least try it so baby can get colostrum, which is the first milk that comes in after baby is born and sometimes beforehand. It is sometimes more yellow and can be a thicker consistency. It is full of everything that baby needs, even a few drops can be beneficial. If you don’t feel comfortable directly nursing, there is no shame in pumping even for the colostrum but it is important (again, in my opinion). It isn’t for everyone. Some mum’s have a hard time balancing everything plus this major new thing your body is demanding you to do, or the pain or mess of it is too much, everyone has their own journey. Breastfeeding is mine. I chose it and it works for me and for my children, I hope I can do it again with any future children and I advocate for it to those who have questions. 

There is so much more to it but I will continue that in a second post of anyone is interested. 

If you have any comments, questions or advice for me or others reading, please leave your comments below! 

Taking What is Not Yours, notes on Sexual Assault and Inequality

#metoo is one of the top trending topics this year, and with the scale of response from both woman and men globally, it is hard to shrug off the feeling itching up the back of your mind that wonders why this is happening. We can sum it up to “boys will be boys” or we can take a moment to try to identify why we have normalized this behavior to the point where we shrug and say, well that’s just what boys do. In no sane world should sexual assault ever have become so common that every single woman in my life has been directly affected by the poisonous belief that this is just something that will always happen. Boys will be boys. I’m sorry but no, boys will be the men you raise them to be, boys will be the men you crafted by showing them right from wrong. Teach boys what consent is, tell them that a body that is not their own does not belong to them. A body not their own is not theirs to claim, it is not theirs to touch or demand, it is not theirs to oogle at or lust over visously.

We do not allow stealing, if a boy were to stick his hands into your ice cream he would be scolded, but if he were to smack your butt at a party we might laugh it off and push back the annoyance and state of discomfort his touch brought you.

I’m tired of pretending this is not our fault. Not woman, I mean all of us, collectively, we really missed the mark here. From the beginning men have been top tier, in charge and higher ranking in life and at work, the breadwinner, the provider, the savior, the God. We let this happen and created a place that allowed woman to be moved to the back burner, silently toiling away with dangerous expectation of delivering sons that would grow to continue the cycle of imbalance and sexism, wage gaps and gender roles. 

When my I tell people that my husband makes dinner most nights after working all day, they raise their eyebrows at me in confusion. “Well what do you do all day?” I work at home and I raise my children, balancing on a thin line of self sufficiency and doing my “womanly” part. Why is it that our expectations of men and woman are so different, we are both human, we can both cook meals and raise children, we can both rock a suit in a top position at work, but then we add this mindset that one is somehow less than the other. It is so strange that we allow this to happen, the taking of our bodies and our innocence. We are told our bodies are our temple and then they break in with no regard for the effect it may have on us. 

If a bull was placed in a china shop we would expect him to run haphazardly throughout the shop, breaking things as he goes about his expected behavior as a bull in a space of things he may be able to dismantle. We have done the same to men who harm us. We may not be fragile as fine China may be, but we are charged at, words thrown down alleyways, unwanted looks given on trains, grabbing, groping, forcing. Why is this still happening. What can we do to stop this behaviour? And don’t think for one moment that avoiding dark streets alone or wearing less revealing clothing would change anything. Not long ago a woman went to the movies with a male friend and upon boarding a bus, dressed in a smart pant suit, was attacked by 6 men and it eventually led to her death. Our outfits are not the problem. Our sexuality is not the problem. Our drinking habits and our walks home down a dimly lit street is not the problem. Raising boys with the belief that we are small, weak, fragile, son birthing grab bags to use at their whim and desire is the problem. 

So how about this. When I tell you my husband cooks dinner, say “That’s lovely, how was it?!” And when you are teaching your children about the birds and the bees, teach about consent as the bloodline for sexual advances and contact. Teach them that their own wants are not the only ones that are important. Teach them that no means fuck no and to know when to stop. Teach them to respond with understanding and not anger. To know their own worth as well as someone else’s and that they are the same. My husband and I may not follow gender roles and normalities exactly,  when he is often cooking and I am frequently the “bad cop” parent in the house, swearing and playing video games, he sees us as equals which is a major part of why I love him, however, you can bet your butt he witnessed sexist or dangerous conversations while in the military and said nothing to stop it. Even when we are not commiting the acts of violence or supplementing to the imbalance between us, we are still allowing it to happen by not speaking up. 

Nothing will ever change in the 1 in 4 statistic if we do not implement the change ourselves. Sexual assault is not a spectrum of who was hurt more horribly, it is a God damn pie chart that is made of blood and the mistakes that we have made as a society of accepting less than equality on all fronts. And I’m done with it.